The Journey Through Fear
I asked, "Scared of what?"
She replied, "I'm afraid people will judge me."
Without thinking much, I started encouraging her.
"I've read your work in instagram, and you're talented. If you truly believe in your art, don't let the fear of judgment stop you. People will always have opinions, but that shouldn't decide whether your voice deserves to be heard."
After our conversation ended, I kept thinking about what I had said. Then a question crossed my mind:
Aren't I afraid of things too?
The answer was yes.
Fear has never really been about the thing itself. More often, it's the stories our minds create before we even try. It convinces us that we're not good enough, not ready enough, or not capable enough. We begin imagining failure before taking the first step, and soon procrastination replaces action.
But I've learned something over the years:
Fear doesn't disappear on its own. It disappears when we walk through it.
Like everyone else, I've had my share of fears. Some are gone, some still remain, and some continue to challenge me every day. This is the story of a few of them.
1. Love
You might be wondering, "How can love be a fear?"
For me, it always was.
Ever since I was young, my idea of love was simple, to fall in love only once and spend the rest of my life with that person. It sounded beautiful, but that dream also came with countless fears.
What if he cheated on me?
What if the relationship didn't last forever?
What if I loved someone deeply, only for us to never end up together?
Those questions stayed with me for years. Ironically, many of the things I feared eventually happened.
I fell in love more than once. I experienced heartbreak. I was in a relationship that didn't last. Things didn't unfold the way I had imagined.
For a while, I wondered if my fears had been right all along. But as time passed, I realized that heartbreak hadn't broken me: it had changed me.
Every person I loved left me with something valuable. Some taught me what love feels like. Some taught me what love isn't. And all of them helped me become stronger than I was before.
Most importantly, they taught me to love the one person who will always stay with me: myself.
I've learned that loving someone else is never guaranteed. People change, circumstances change, and sometimes relationships come to an end despite our best intentions. But self-love is a choice we can make every single day.
That doesn't mean I've stopped believing in love. Not at all.
I still believe that love is one of life's most beautiful experiences. And if I fall in love again, I won't let the fear of getting hurt stop me from embracing it. Because love isn't about having the certainty that it will last forever. Sometimes, it's about having the courage to love, even when nothing is guaranteed.
2. Mathematics
Like many children, mathematics was one of my biggest fears. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to score well. Instead of understanding the subject, I kept running away from it. Looking back, I often wondered whom to blame: my parents, who were busy with work and had little time to help me; my school teachers, who focused more on finishing the syllabus than clearing our concepts; or myself, who genuinely tried but still struggled.
Everything changed when my mother encouraged me to continue studying mathematics. Instead of calling it "difficult," I decided to work on my basics. Thanks to my high school tutors, who patiently guided me, I slowly began to understand the subject.
That's when I learned my first lesson:
Calling something difficult doesn't make it easier. Working on it does.
I spent hours solving problems and practicing calculations. The subject I once feared slowly became one of my favorites.
But life had another challenge waiting for me.
During my intermediate studies, I developed a serious health condition. It was something I rarely spoke about. While everyone saw my falling grades, very few knew what I was going through. The girl who had been performing well in every test suddenly found it difficult just to attend classes. There were moments when people doubted whether I would even pass my board examinations.
Somehow, I did. But not with the marks I had dreamed of. I scored only 50 in mathematics.
For someone who had once scored 96 in Class 11 while preparing for IITs, those marks felt devastating. I convinced myself that I had failed not just in an exam, but as a student.
I knew people would judge me by my marks. What they didn't know was the story behind those numbers. And I never tried to explain it.
Some stories don't need justification. They simply become part of who you are. That phase taught me another lesson.
Sometimes, surviving a difficult chapter is a bigger achievement than getting good grades.
Life had given me a second chance not just to study again, but to live again. Instead of dwelling on what had happened, I focused on recovering. I exercised every day, ate healthier, followed my doctor's advice, and gave myself nearly a year to heal.
Even after everything, my dream hadn't changed. I wanted to become an engineer.
Many people, including my mother, suggested that I choose an easier degree like B.Sc. or BCA because engineering could be stressful. I understood her concern, but my heart was set on engineering.
I appeared for Amity University's entrance test and secured admission. However, due to my health and the financial burden of the course, I decided not to join. After researching the curriculum, I realized that the subjects were largely the same everywhere. What mattered wasn't the name of the university but how sincerely I studied.
So, I enrolled in an engineering college in my hometown.
At first, I wasn't happy. The campus wasn't as grand as I had imagined. But as classes began, I realized I was surrounded by hardworking and talented students. The competition was healthy, and gradually, I stopped thinking about where I was studying and started focusing on why I was there.
Then mathematics returned. Engineering Mathematics-I.
It felt as though life was asking me the same question again: "Are you still afraid?"
This time, my answer was different. I immersed myself in books, lectures, and endless practice.
When the first semester results were announced, I had scored 83 in Engineering Mathematics-I. I wasn't completely satisfied because the highest marks were above 90, but I knew I had taken a huge step forward.
Some seniors warned us that Engineering Mathematics-II was even more difficult. I accepted it as a challenge. The second semester results came.
92 in Engineering Mathematics-II.
For many people, it was just another number. For me, it was proof that I had defeated a fear that had followed me since childhood.
Soon, my mathematics and physics professors began asking me to help juniors with their studies. I also started taking tuition classes after college not only to support myself financially but because I genuinely enjoyed teaching.
Watching my students improve and seeing their parents trust me gave me a different kind of happiness. Somewhere along the way, mathematics stopped being the subject I feared the most. It became the subject I loved learning and teaching the most.
Looking back today, I don't remember mathematics as the subject that gave me the hardest questions. I remember it as the subject that taught me one of life's greatest lessons:
Your biggest weakness can become your greatest strength the moment you stop running away from it.
3. Water
Water had always frightened me.
Ever since I was a child, I lived with aquaphobia. It wasn't just about swimming or being in deep water, I was afraid of water itself. I avoided watching ocean scenes in movies, looked away whenever someone cleaned the water tank at home, and stayed away from rivers, lakes, and ponds whenever I could.
One day, my father discovered my fear. As we were crossing the Yamuna River in my hometown, he suddenly stopped his bike near the riverbank and asked me to get down. He walked me closer to the water and said only one thing:
"Just look at it."
I couldn't.
My heart raced, my hands trembled, and I felt as though I might faint. Somehow, I managed to leave that place, but I also realized how deeply this fear had taken hold of me.
For a long time, I continued living with it. Then, without even realizing it, I started taking small steps.
A school trip to Fun City Water Park gave me my first positive memories around water. My father later brought home a fish aquarium, and I found myself spending hours watching the fish swim peacefully. I began visiting ponds and lakes instead of avoiding them. Whenever I visited temples, I would touch the river's holy water. I even started watching movies and documentaries about oceans and seas, something I could never imagine doing as a child.
Each step seemed insignificant on its own, but together they slowly changed me.
Then came the moment that truly tested me.
Last year, my family visited the Mahakumbh. When I learned that we would be taking a holy dip at the Triveni Sangam (the sacred confluence of the Ganga, Yamuna, and the mythical Saraswati). I felt the same fear return.
For a moment, I wanted to step back. Instead, I stepped forward.
I took a deep breath and immersed myself in the holy water. When I came out, I realized something had changed. The fear that had controlled me for years no longer controlled me. It wasn't because the water had changed. It was because I had. That day became more than a religious experience for me, it became a personal victory.
But perhaps the story isn't over yet.
I'll consider this chapter complete the day I stand before the sea for the very first time. That's an adventure I'm still looking forward to, hopefully on my trip to Goa soon. And this time, I know I'll look at the waves with excitement instead of fear.
4. Computers
Computers had always intimidated me.
Back in school, computer science felt like a subject meant for people who were naturally good at technology. I struggled with the basics and, instead of improving my fundamentals, I simply avoided it. That was one of the reasons I chose not to specialize in Computer Science during my engineering.
I thought I had escaped the subject. I was wrong.
In my first year of engineering, C programming was part of the curriculum. I somehow managed to pass the course and convinced myself that I would never have to study programming again.
Then came the second year. Data Structures and Algorithms. Another computer science subject.
At first, I treated it like another hurdle to overcome. But as I learned how algorithms worked and how programmers solved problems logically, I realized something surprising: I actually enjoyed it.
For the first time, programming didn't feel like a burden. It felt like a puzzle waiting to be solved.
Around the same time, some of our seniors shared a piece of advice that completely changed my perspective.
"Good grades alone won't build your career. In engineering, your skills matter just as much as your marks. Learn coding, no matter which branch you belong to."
Those words stayed with me.
Instead of studying programming only to pass examinations, I began learning it because I wanted to understand it. I explored different programming languages: C, C++, Java, and Python. As I gained more experience, I realized that while it's helpful to know the basics of several languages, true mastery comes from focusing on one. I chose Python because I believed it would open the door to many exciting opportunities.
My curiosity didn't stop there. I've always loved websites and wondered how they were built. That curiosity naturally led me to HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and modern web development. What had once been my greatest academic fear slowly turned into one of my favorite hobbies.
I wasn't just writing code anymore. I was building things.
The more I learned, the more I wanted to understand how computers actually worked. During my summer vacation, I started studying the subjects usually taught to Computer Science students: Cloud Computing, Database Management Systems, Computer Architecture, Operating Systems, Artificial Intelligence, and many others. I spent countless hours learning through books, notes, and online lectures.
Interestingly, while many of my classmates from Electronics were fascinated by circuits and integrated chips, I found myself drawn toward software. Some of my friends from the Computer Science department even began discussing concepts with me, and over time, we started learning from one another.
Well, today I'm not working as a software engineer (that's a story for another day) but the knowledge I gained never went to waste. As an editor and writer, I've had the opportunity to work on several mathematics and computer science books.
Looking back, I realize that computers never became easier. I simply stopped being afraid of them. And that's the funny thing about fear.
The moment you become curious about what scares you, fear quietly begins to disappear.
5. Heights
Ever since I was a child, heights made me uncomfortable.
Even standing on the third or fourth floor of a building was enough to make me dizzy. I couldn't bring myself to look down. The higher I stood, the stronger the fear became.
For years, I accepted it as something that would never change. But as I grew older, I decided to challenge myself instead of avoiding it.
Whenever I had the chance, I would stand at higher places for a little longer than I was comfortable with. At first, it was difficult. Slowly, my fear began to lose its grip on me.
The biggest turning point came during my first solo trip to Uttarakhand. Standing on top of a mountain, I looked out at the valleys stretching endlessly below me. The same height that once would have terrified me now filled me with wonder. Instead of fear, I felt freedom.
That moment reminded me how much we can change when we stop running away from the things that scare us.
It wasn't just my first solo trip. It was proof that I had become more confident than the person I used to be. And I hope it's only the beginning.
There are still many mountains to climb, many adventures to experience, and many fears waiting to be challenged.
Conclusion
These aren't all of my fears.
Some I've overcome.
Some I'm still learning to face.
And I'm sure there are many more waiting for me in the future.
Every fear I've encountered has changed me in some way. Some taught me patience. Some taught me resilience. Others taught me to trust myself when everything around me felt uncertain.
I've realized that life isn't about becoming fearless. It's about recognizing what's holding you back, acknowledging it, and finding the courage to take the next step anyway.
Fear may never completely disappear, but it doesn't have to decide the direction of your life.
This is my journey, and seriously I'm not competing with anyone else. The only person I want to be better than is the person I was yesterday.
There is still so much to learn, so much to experience, and so many limits left to challenge.
So, this isn't the end. It's just another chapter.
To be continued...
